THE ONE WHERE ROSS & RACHEL DO THAT SPANKING THING..
Rachel snuggled closer to Ross as they lay together in his double bed.
Rachel snuggled closer to Ross as they lay together in his double bed.
Ross was reading but Rachel had other things on her mind. "Ross..." she whispered, easing herself up to rest against his left shoulder and running a finger teasingly across his breastbone.
"Hmmmmmmmm ?" Ross replied absent-mindedly trying to ignore her obvious charms. Once he got his nose in a book nothing would unplug it. Not even Rachel. Naked. In bed. With him. But only just mind.
Rachel ignored his off-handed reply and soldiered on for she was determined. "Ross...do you, well, what I mean is." Rachel took a deep breath. This was really really important. She had been going nuts thinking about it. "Do you, is there anything, well you know, you like.............doing ?" she breathed in his ear. To show she was serious she stuck out her tongue and licked his earlobe causing Ross to shrug up his shoulder as she tickled him. "If there is, you can tell me. I won't tell a soul I promise. In fact, I might just.....you know, do it." Rachel could feel her heart hammering in her chest. Phew. She'd finally said it. She'd often wondered if there was a darker side to her new boyfriend. The idea seemed totally absurd. "This is Ross we're talking about here !!" she'd thought initially. Ross, Ross. Good old dependable, trustworthy, boring Ross. The dinosaur guy. If this guy has a kink he keeps it well hidden. Or so she'd thought.
That was until last week..........
It was a Thursday night. Like all new relationships they'd finally managed to find some time alone and gotten round to spending some serious "between the sheets" recreation time and had been going at hot and heavy leaving them both gasping and sweating in each others arms as they recovered from their exertions.
"Oh wow..." muttered Ross as Rachel turned and began to kiss his bare chest. "I never knew I had it in me." he laughed with surprise. It had been great. Totally awesome. She was even more stunning naked than he'd ever imagined in his wildest imaginings. It had been so good he couldn't feel anything below belly button level. If Rachel felt half as exhausted as he did.
"I never knew you had it in you either. " she smiled with surprise, licking round his right nipple and teasing it with her teeth. "Besides, I'd much rather have it in me !" she finished with a soft giggle as he made a grab for her as she rolled naked from the bed and danced out of his groping reach.
"When I catch you you'll be in trouble Rachel..I promise !!" he grinned, his eyes sparkling as he enjoyed her nakedness. "Hah, you wish Ross." he grunted to himself. It would be perfect then....and it was near perfect now as he watched her turn and pad barefoot to the bathroom. His gaze dropped to the shapely pear of her buttocks. Now there was perfect as she disappeared behind the door. "Consider yourself lucky you're even in a relationship with her you fool...so don't go spoil it."
Ross flopped back on the bed and let himself daydream unawares that Rachel had seen his look and had smiled knowingly.
Rachel eased herself further forward letting her full bosom rest against his skin. She kind of suspected what his "kink" was. She'd been putting two and two together. Whenever they kissed, hugged or made love she knew Ross couldn't keep his hands off her firm bottom. He was always touching it, squeezing it and feeling its shape. Which was not that much of a surprise she thought to herself after all she did have a rather trim behind to be proud of and always made sure it was kept in good shape by exercising regularly and running from her's and Monica's apartment to their favourite haunt - the coffee shop where she worked, Central Perk.
Its as plain as day. Her beau, dear sweet dependable Ross was a certifiable bum man. He had to be. It was soooooooo obvious. Least she thought so. So he likes doing that hmmmm? Oh my, it was lucky she was half Greek wasn't it.
Ross was trying really hard to concentrate on his book, even managing to resist her oral technique but he gave up when he heard her words. "I might....you know...do IT." He felt himself go hot all over.
IT? DO IT? IT as in IT IT ?
The IT that sometimes kept him awake at night ?
Is she talking about the IT he was thinking about ?
How had she found out about his infatuation for wanting to do IT ? OH MY GOD, had Chandler told her ? He remembered how they'd got rolling drunk one night after watching the game on teevee and had swapped stories and "state secrets" over more beers sitting in Chandlers and Joey Tribianni's leather tv chairs. Had he told Chandler about liking to do IT ? He sure as hell had learned one or two things about Mr Chandler that he'd rather not have.
Was there any other way for Rachel to have found out ? He couldn't think of any. After all its not the sort of way to start a conversation. "Hi I'm Ross, I work at the local museum, I study dinosaurs and I like women who are into IT." She had to have found out from Mr Big Mouth. It was the only explanation. And now, here they were, in bed and she was whispering in his ear that "she might do IT. For him."
Another thought occurred to him that had him upright in more ways than one. If she was prepared to let him do IT to her. Maybe she's do something else for him too. Sort of kill two fantasies with one blow. Well, since Chandler had told her about IT, he might as well tell her about the rest.
"Ross ?" whispered Rachel impatiently in that school teacher way she had. She was so hot and turned on she thought she'd explode if he didn't say something. She watched as he turned sheepishly towards her and had trouble looking into her eyes. Rachel smiled. She was right, the sly devil was kinky. What he said next though made her wonder if he wasn't just kinky...but really kinky.
"Er well I...Rachel." he began as he blushed to his roots. "Have...have you ever seen Return of the Jedi ?"
Rachel felt her mouth drop open further and further as Ross revealed his deep dark secret to her.
Phoebe fell about the sofa laughing in that high pitched way she had. Rachel glanced around looking embarrassed. "Pheebs.....sssssssssssssh." she urged giving her friend a swat on the arm. "Its supposed to be a secret !!"
Phoebe stopped and turned to her younger friend trying not to laugh. "Oh I'm sorry. Its just that its Ross you know ?" she smiled. "Don't know why I'm surprised anyway....a lot of men have that fantasy."
Rachel blinked. They did ? "They do ?" she whispered in a hiss, bending forward so that none of the diners would hear. Especially her boss, Gunther, who was behind the bar polishing some glasses keeping an eye on her in that spooky way he had. She was on a break and sat fiddling with her order pad and pencil wondering if she'd done the right thing in telling Phoebe about Ross's "thing". She was beginning to think she might as well have been walking around with a placard and loudhailer instead.
Phoebe nodded. "Sure. Its that whole spacy Star Wars guy thingy. They love it. Throw in a metal bikini and you've got a generation of back row tissue users." she finished with a shrug and took a sip of her coffee.
Rachel nearly choked in shock. What ??!! How come she didn't know all this ? "But its...its.........Princess Leia !!" she blurted out aloud.
Ross slipped off his shorts and jumped naked into the double bed humming the Star Wars theme tune. "Dum, dum, diddleee, dum dum..." He wished Rachel would hurry up in the bathroom getting changed. He still couldn't believe it was happening. And with his perfect woman too. He would have a permanent hard on all night he was sure. Thank God he'd bought two boxes of condoms.
"Obi-Wan Kenobi, this is going to be a night that will be long remembered. The force will be with you always." he said before laughing. Where was she ? "Rachel are you ready yet ?" he called out.
There was a pause. "Nearly.....be a moment." came the muffled reply.
He watched as the light was switched off and the bathdoor slowly opened and Rachel appeared in her fluffy dressing-gown carrying something he couldn't make out. No matter, Ross grinned like a ten year old as he saw how she'd done her hair. Bun Style !!
"Are...are you ready lover ?" she asked shyly. She felt ridiculous and excited at the same time. Ross bounced up and down under the duvet nodding like a puppy. "Well honey...." she muttered, biting her lip."..........here goes !!" and with that she let the dressing-gown fall away to reveal her dressed only in a metal clad red bikini al la Princess Leia circa Return of the Jedi. Ross clapped his hands and started humming Darth Vaders march. "Da..da...da...dad da daaah da da da..."
Princess Leia was in trouble.
She jumped and knelt on the bed with her thighs spread suggestively and a flimsy flap of cloth covering her modesty, arms tucked in making her impressive bust thrust out towards him. Ross was in a galaxy, far, far away. "Oh help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope !!" implored Rachel. Despite her reservations she was quite enjoying this. She could see the effect it was having on Ross. He certainly was an upright happy little camper this night.
Ross scrambled up with his lightsabre fully extended. "Your Highness, whats wrong ?" he asked.
Rachel squatted around and shoved her bottom in Ross's face. Ross could feel his lightsabre humming louder in his ears. "You have to help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. Jabba the Hutt is after me. He wants me to be his slave-girl so you have to hide me so he cant find me. Please Obi-Wan, I'll do ANYTHING you want if you do. I'll even do............IT." she pleaded.
Ross grabbed her and held her to him, his lightsabre poking into her belly. "Fear not Princess, I'll protect you. I am a Jedi Knight and it is my sworn duty to use the force to bring good to the universe." he promised her. Then he paused. "Er....did you say anything ?" he asked excitedly as he felt her warm hands grasping his Jedi weapon. Much more of that and his lightsabre would fizzle out big time. Still, least he had doing IT with her to look forward to.
Rachel put her hands on his bare chest and gazed into his eyes. "Anything Obi-Wan, I'll do absolutely anything....for you." she whispered temptingly. Ross swallowed hard. Wow, talk about playing to the gallery. He reached up and pulled the pins from her hair letting the buns fall away.
"Get on your hands and knee's your Highness. " he urged, watching as she left his side and knelt on all fours and bent her spine so she could rest her head on her elbows. Her ass was stuck right up and he could see that under the strip of cloth covering her backside she was bare....naked. Waiting. Congratulations Ross, today really is your lucky day. He eased over and lifted the cloth from her bottom and just sat staring for a moment taking its magnificence in.
All the while Rachel watched him. She had a warm glow all over knowing that she was making something close to his heart come true. She could feel her hips undulating as if they had a mind of their own just waiting for him to climb aboard and for him to push his rather large, what a wonderful surprise THAT had been !!, lightsabre up and into her rear end. Thank God she'd bought a bottle of lube !!
Ross, of course, was totally oblivious to her reasoning....which, as it happened, was totally and completely wrong. As she was about to discover.
Rachel closed her eyes feeling the the bed sag as Ross moved behind her no doubt playing with his pink lightsabre as he got into position to ease himself between her cheeks. His kink wasn't exactly one that she hadn't experienced before but the thought of it always made her feel strangely submissive as if she was bowing down before a greater force.
She jumped when she felt his hand on the crown of her hips and she gave her ass a wriggle of suggestion and acceptance. A sort of "Ok Ross, I know exactly what you want to do and honey, thats fine by me. Just go easy ok ?" feeling. But Rachel was wrong and she found out in a sudden, unexpected and, after the shock, painful way.
Ross raised his right hand, flattened it out into a sort of a "at prayer" shape and struck out at Rachel's unsuspecting bottom with a resounding "CRACK !!!".
Rachel, of course, yelled out in surprise as she collapsed onto her face clutching her rear-end. "ROSS !!!" she gasped, twisting her head around and glaring at him accusingly as she clutched her throbbing ass. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING ???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
What was he doing ? He'd just slapped her bottom really hard !!! She was going to give him hell when the sting subsided. Her bum hurt, it really did !! "ROSS!!!!!!!!!" she hissed again, feeling her shock subside and her anger grow. Whatever happened to doing it up her wazzoo ? Wasn't he a bum man ? Hadn't he wanted to do IT? She had obviously thought wrong.
Ross looked at her in that "whatttttttttttt?" sort of way he had whenever he thought he was in trouble. And judging by the frown on Rachel's face he was in BIG trouble.
"Y........YOU SPANKED ME ROSS !!!" she muttered. "YOU SPANKED ME !!"
Ross looked confused. "But....but..." he flustered getting more confused."...you said I could !!" he whined in his best wheedling voice.
"WHAT ??!!" said Rachel indignantly. "NO I DIDN'T. WHEN DID I SAY YOU COULD DO THAT ?!!" she accused him. No she hadn't. Hadn't she ? Her eyebrows met in the middle of her forehead. She suddenly had a nagging feeling that her idea of what "a bum man" was, was somewhat different to what his idea of what a "bum man" was. Her Ross was a spanker ??? Talk about bolt from the blue.
She bit her lip with a dawning realisation that maybe, just maybe, she'd got the wrong end of the stick and they'd somehow got their wires crossed and that her idea of two plus two didn't exactly equal four at all. Way to go Rachel. Always making presumptions before the act. It was obvious that Ross wanted to spank her ass. He liked to spank women. THAT'S his kink. Thats his IT.
Now she knew about his IT she didn't know what to think. The more she learned about her new boyfriend the less she seemed to know. It was like peeling an onion. She stared at Ross who was kneeling beside her trying to explain.
"Well, you said I could do IT and...and you did the Star Wars bikini thing that I told you about and I thought...what I mean is...didn't you realise I wanted to spank you ?" replied Ross, noticing he was now sporting a drooping lightsabre. Way to go Ross. It had been too good to be true. He should of suspected as much. Someone as headstrong as Rachel would never let anyone spank her. Talk about an anti-climax. More importantly she now knew about his secret urge.
Would she, could she, accept him now that she knew about his little kink ? Had telling her endangered their budding relationship ? Had he blow it before it'd even gotten started ? He could picture their relationship exploding like the proverbial Death Star. "Lets blow this thing kid and get outta here..."
Rachel could see the emotions crossing his puzzled face. She knelt up too and faced him. "Ross, the Princess thing I figured Ok....its a guy thing. I can do that for him. Makes sense in a freaky sort of way but as for this IT you told me about, I thought you meant to do...." she paused blushing."...well.....do it, you know....up my bum."
She could see the metaphorical lightbulb go on in Ross's mind.
"Oh!!" he said. "No, no, no, no, nooooooo !! I do so not want to do that to you Rachel." he sighed with relief as he finally understood what she was talking about. But hang on. What was he saying ? Yes he DID want to do that too !! This was getting waaaaaay too complicated. Should of stuck to the sex Ross just the sex. "Wait, what I mean is, not that I haven't wanted to do THAT as well but I thought you understood what I wanted to do to your bum....spank it that is....not....not er ah poke it. " he finished lamely. He could explain why the dinosaurs disappeared but spanking ? He thought he must sound a complete loon. Maybe he should start again. "Rachel, look....I wouldn't ask you to do something you didn't want to do ok and as for me liking to do IT...and if you don't want to...." he babbled, waving his hands around by way of explanation. "I understand.....totally." he ended before tucking each hand under each opposite armpit. "No big deal....honest. Can....can't we just forget this ever, like, happened ? Please ?"
Rachel fiddled with her hair as she always did when pensive and unsure. "Listen Ross, I think we should sleep on it and talk in the morning. I need to get my head around this. " she sighed and bent forward and kissed his lips.
Ross just nodded an "Ok." with relief.
Neither got much sleep that night that was for sure.
The following morning.
Joey and Chandler bounced into Ross's apartment without knocking as usual to find him slumped in his chair contemplating the mysteries of his navel. He looked up balefully and muttered a forlorn "Hi..."
Joey grabbed Chandler, stopping him in his tracks. "Uhoh...Doctor Bing, do I not like the sound of that. Sounds like someone didn't press the right button fast enough and was left high and dry, am I close or am I close ?"
Chandler, in his faux concerned kind of upbeat way drew a breath. "Sure looks like it Doctor Moray. You know, this is one patient you may actually be qualified to help and that is sooooooo sad." he agreed as they crossed the room and sat either side of their downbeat friend. Chandler looked across Ross to Joey. "Well Doctor, is it serious, whats your diagnosis of the patient ?"
Joey rubbed his chin as if he was thinking great things, which was totally stupid of course. "I think its a serious case of Rachelitis. He has all the symptoms of it. Emotional and unsatisfied. Am I close Ross ?"
Ross turned his head and made a wry face at Joey. "Funny ha-ha...not" he muttered.
Joey and Chandler high fived in front of his face. "Knew it !! That'll be a hundred bucks for the service. Its obvious, only Rachel could drive someone that nuts isn't that right Joey ?" said Chandler nudging Ross with his elbow.
Joey snorted. "Don't know about that, Monica's not exactly Miss I'm so easy to please either. " Joey thought again. "Come to think of it, Pheebs can be a total bitch too sometimes. It could of been a lot worse though Ross. Least with Rachel.........she's Greek. " he finished with his tell tale "know what I mean" nod and slow wink. Both Ross and Chandler turned to stare at him. Joey shifted uncomfortably. "Whaaaaaaaaat ?" he whined. "Don't tell me you didn't know ?!!"
Chandler slumped back shaking his head in disbelief. "Joey....sometimes you just, well, amaze me." he said.
Joey gave him a toothy grin. "I know....its a talent."
Chandler chucked a cushion at him. "So are we close Ross ? Is it Rachel ?"
Ross sat twiddling his thumbs and eventually nodded. "Uhuh."
"What'd she do ?" asked Chandler.
"More like what DIDN'T she do..." Joey butted in.
Ross wasn't sure if telling these two was such a good idea at all. Well, he didn't have to explain everything did he ? If Joey found out he'd be on the 6 o'clock news. No, just keep it sketchy. "Well, me and Rachel were in bed last night and we kinda had a ... a fight. Sort of." he started hesitantly.
Joey perked up. "Cool !!" he laughed. "Wrestling AND sex !! You lucky thing Ross, she sounds exactly like my kinda gal. Say, does she, ya know........." he paused looking around. "...bite and scratch ?" He needed ALL the juicy details.
Chandler looked at Joey. "Tribiani, you should of been born a dog. Keep going Ross and ignore shaggy here. "
Ross continued on. "We had an argument."
"Argument, about what ?" wondered Chandler. Must of been serious, Ross looked totally deflated. Had they split up ? That would mean Rachel would have to move back in with Monica and that would complicate things for sure.
"Er....ummm...you know...thing things....sex things." muttered Ross. "I er...sort of asked her to...if she would...kind of...if she would let me....." Ross slunk further down as if wanting the ground to open up so he could disappear."....do stuff."
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh." nodded Joey sagely. "Stuff.......now it makes sense. You asked her to do....stuff....and she went nuts right ?" He felt total sympathy for his friend. Why do women have to be so unreasonable ? Didn't Rachel understand that men like to do "stuff" ? What sort of stuff would be stuff enough to shock Rachel Green ? Surely it wasn't the Greek thing ? Didn't all Greek women like to do that ? Wasn't that where the chat up line "Do you do Greek ?" come from ? Joey sighed for his friend. Poor Ross.
"Stuff ?" asked Chandler as if reading Joey's mind.
Ross shifted uncomfortably again. "Stuff...bum stuff." he muttered so low that the other two hardly heard him speak.
"I knew it !!" shouted Joey. "You do want to shag her ass !!!"
Chandlers eyes nearly popped out of his head. "You what Ross ????" he gasped out loud. To him that was like hitting a home run. Not that he'd ever been so lucky to get that far in the first place anyway. He'd hardly ever got past first base. It was his turn to slump back in despair.
Ross jumped up and turned to look down on them. "Whaaaaaaaaat ?" he cried out. "Nooooooo, not that. I meant stuff as in..." he waved his right hand around like he was playing a forehand. "....spank her ass stuff !!" There was a stunned silence as both Joey and Chandlers mouths dropped open simultaneously. UH OH. He'd said it. Out loud. He hadn't meant to. Shit. As the penny fell, Joey and Chandler just stared at him even more wide eyed.
"ROSS !!" gasped Joey suddenly. "YOU PERVERT !!!!"
Phoebe was in her element, ie discussing someone else's personal and sexual problems.
She came back into her living room carrying a tray and two coffee's. One for her and one for Rachel. She's been surprised when Rachel had suddenly appeared knocking on her door that early in the morning and when she opened it had said "Pheebs.........I really need your help." So here they were and she found herself listening to Rachel's little spat with Ross. Rachel had told her everything. Everything. Starting from the Star Wars stuff to the "Ross...you animal." spanking stuff. She had to smile, Rachel was such an innocent really.
"So you're like all freaked out now that you've discovered that your new boyfriend has all these little dark secrets." she smiled knowingly at Rachel as she handed her a cup of coffee. "How did he tell you ?"
Rachel eased thoughtfully back on the sofa and crossed her bare legs. "He didn't...he just did it. Slapped my ass." she made a swooshing motion with her free hand trying not to spill her coffee. "Just like that."
Phoebe just nodded and smiled in that particular way she had. "The sly devil."
"Its not funny Pheebs. It hurt !!" sniffed Rachel. This was serious. She was having a personal crisis here.
Phoebe shrugged. "Spankings usually do."
Rachel stared at her friend with the cup to her lips. "What ?!!"
Phoebe looked at her with a wry smile and wrinkled her nose. "Gee Rachel, stop sounding like the stork just dropped you off. So you've discovered your boyfriend, Mr professional, sincere and butter wouldn't melt in his mouth Ross Geller isn't the respectable and boring bone-digger-man you once thought he was. He's not the only one into it you know. You'd be surprised how many are." she replied enigmatically.
Rachel blinked feeling the dull throb in her rear end where Ross had walloped her tushie a good one. "Y..you mean....YOU TOO ???!!!!!!!!" she blurted out startled. What was going on here ? First Ross now Phoebe. Were they part of some great spanking conspiracy ? Whatever happened to normal sex ?
Phoebe licked her lips. "You know that freaky hippy guru guy I went out with ? The one who wanted to find the meaning of life ?"
Rachel nodded and just sat there open mouthed as Phoebe explained how the meaning of life, her ass and spanking were all connected in some sort of great cosmic scheme of things. Rachel was hearing bells ringing in her head. She knew nothing was ever going to be the same again.
So much for being Greek.
That afternoon, Central Perk was a hive of activity as usual and Rachel was run off her feet serving. Gunther watched as she came back with an empty tray. "Is anything wrong Rachel ?" he asked with obvious concern as he'd noticed that his waitress seemed to have something on her mind.
Rachel waved her hand and made a "oh its nothing." sort of face. "Stuff.....just thinking about stuff." she said and went to the perculator to sort out another order. What was that again ? What a day !! She couldn't even think straight since...since talking with Phoebe that morning. Talk about revelations !! She wouldn't be surprised if Monica walked in and revealed she was a leather clad domatrix and that Joey was a closet homosexual and had a boyfriend called Gustav. She shook her head and went back to serving just as the door to the coffee-shop opened and in walked Ross with Joey and Chandler in tow. She stopped and did an about-turn in the opposite direction to where she was supposed to be going. Uhoh. She didn't like the look of this, so she ignored them and went on doing her job.
The three guys went to sit in their regular place on the sofa. Ross looked embarrassed, Chandler uncomfortable in an " this is an awkward situation but I need to be right here, right now to see how this all pans out. " sort of way and Joey simply had a big grin on his face as he watched Rachel's ass as it moved around the room in that sexy short skirt she had to wear as her unifrom. Her boss, Gunther certainly had great dress sense. Joey leaned across and whispered to the other two who seemed obsessively interested in the menu. "Hey, you know something guys. Rachel really does have a great ass don't you think ? I mean, don't get me wrong here Ross, I still think you're a pervert ok, but I think I can understand why you want to, you know, do stuff to it. " he grinned knowingly. Then something else occurred to him and he said innocently. "Hey HEY...have you ever thought of trying a threesome ?!!"
Ross stared at Joey for a second. "Joey, you know what, when feminists preach that men think with their dicks I'll bet there's a portrait of you on the wall behind where they're sitting. So shut up and go tell your libido to go take a VACATION !!" he finished, his voice rising into an indignant shriek with each word he spoke.
"Nice one Joey." observed Chandler.
Joey frowned at Chandler. "HEY HEY....enough already, was just offering a buddy a helping hand ok ?!!"
It was then they noticed Rachel standing in front of them with her pad and pencil. She coughed to get their attention as the three of them looked up at her sheepishly. "They're up to something." she thought warily, still not able to look Ross in the face. She's been far too embarrassed to talk to him since "that" little episode had made what she thought was a promising relationship suddenly go spectacularly screwy. Her sense of right and wrong had also taken a bit of a knock after her chat with Phoebe earlier. She realised if she and Ross had any sort of future together they really did need to have a serious talk. Maybe tonight after work. She glanced at the other two who seemed to be looking at her in a rather peculiar way as if she'd suddenly sprouted wings. "Hi Chandler." she smiled.
"Ummmmmmmmm hi Rachel." replied Chandler before he lapsed into a stiff silence and pretended there was something of great interest walking across the ceiling above him.
"Ross." smiled Rachel ignoring Chandler's weird behaviour. Nothing knew there come to think of it.
"Hi." mumbled Ross turning a bright shade of red as he fiddled with his tie doing his best Oliver Hardy impression before he too slunked down in his seat in silence. Rachel blinked realising that he must still feel awkward towards her. She turned to Joey who was sitting with that tell-tale grin on his face. Good old Joey.
"Hi Joey, how's things ?" she asked innocently.
"I'm fine. How you doin' Rach ?" he replied as he sat forward on the sofa and took her right hand in his. Then in his best bedside manner whispered with sincerity, "More importantly..........how's yo ass doin' ?"
Ross just groaned and hid his face behind his menu.
Back at Ross's apartment.
"OW, hey that hurts." grunted Ross as both Joey and Chandler inspected the bruise just above his right ankle. "Look what you've done Joey. She kicked me !!" he whined, wincing as he reached down to tenderly touch it.
Joey held up his hand offended. "Hey, I was just being friendly ok !!"
Chandler sat back. "Oh boy, that thing is going to last for a week. She must of been really pissed Ross. Think you'd better stock up on body armour before she gets back here from work. Maybe you should call 911 in advance...book a hospital bed."
Ross covered his eyes with the palms of each hand. "Why is my life so dammed complicated ? All I wanted to do was spank her ass !!!!!!"
Later that same evening still in Ross's apartment.
"But, but, it just slipped out honest !!" implored Ross as he ducked another cushion thrown at him by a furious Rachel. "I swear. It just slipped out !!"
Rachel growled and shrieked as they both stood on opposite sides of his sofa. "Slipped out ?!!!! Slipped OUT ? I'll give you slipped out you idiot. How could you Ross ? How could you tell those two ??!!" she said angrily. "It'll be all over Manhattan by now knowing Joey. Oh my God, we'll be on the Jerry Springer show !!"
Ross side-stepped another projectile, one of Rachel's fluffy rabbits, and held up his hands trying to make peace. "Hey, time out. TIME OUT !!" he pleaded. "I'm sorry....I AM SO SORRY !!"
Rachel had run out of things to throw and stood hands on hips with her impressive bust heaving in her tight black t-shirt. She was streaming. "How's yer ass doin'..." indeed !! Joey had said that in front of everone !! She was amazed she'd managed to finish her shift. She was glad she'd kicked Ross. Served him right. She hoped it really, really hurt. Now if she could get her hands on him she'd kill him. "Our sexual relationship is supposed to be private Ross. God, I can't believe y..y..you'd do something so totally stupid as that. " she seethed, then took a deep breath to try to calm down. She reached up and ran both hands through her shoulder length brown hair giving it a tug in exasperation. She blew out her cheeks and put out her hands as if she was doing push-up's. She looked Ross straight in the eye. "This'll hit him where it REALLY hurts." she thought with satisfaction. She did another imaginary press-up. "And you know something Ross. I was actually considering letting you spank my ass." she said with her chin stuck out defiantly. "I was actually, really, truly, going to let you do it, just for you........just for you."
Ross just stood there like a dummy. "W..what ?"
Rachel lifted her chin higher. "I said, I was going to let you spank my big fat Greek ass as long as you wanted to. You'll never know what you missed buster."
Ross was gutted and pointed a wavery finger at her. "No, wait, hang on. You can't say that !! That is so not fair Rachel. IT WAS A MISTAKE. I MADE A MISTAKE !!" he pleaded. He could see his fantasy disappearing over the bum shaped horizon. "Can't we at least talk about it like...like rational adults ?"
Rachel laughed sharply. "Adults ?" she said with scorn. "Adults Ross ?, it may have escaped your notice here pal that the topic of this particular discussion is whether or not I let you slap my ass. Not exactly Shakespeare ok ? You can be so unreasonable at times Ross. I thought we had something special. Something that could last. Something really good. Now I'm not so sure. I need time to think so I'm going to ask Monica if I can stay at her place for a few days." said Rachel determindely. She picked up her coat and walked to the door. "I've kept your secret Ross, you remember that."
With that, she opened the door to his apartment and left him standing there.
The following day Phoebe entered Central Perk to find Ross sitting slumped in his chair looking as if he'd been crapped on from a very great height. He looked miserable. Phoebe hung up her coat and thought wisely "Ahhhhhh." as she went to sit beside him.
"Hi Pheebs." muttered Ross.
Phoebe smoothed down her plain brown ankle length skirt and picked up his left hand. "What's wrong Ross. You can tell me. I know how to sort out people's problems. I do it all the time lately. Its because I'm psychic see. Its cool in a freaky kind of way don't you think ? Let me guess. You had a bad day at work. Did another dinosaur become extinct ?" she asked sweetly in her best masseur's manner.
"Ah. Okay. Yay for the dinosaurs today. Is it your parents ? Don't worry, all parents make their kids nuts. Its just the thing they do. You'll do it to your kids too. Isn't that neat ? Life goes around in circles and circles. Isn't it amazing ?"
Ross shook his head and mumbled "It's not my parents."
Phoebe sighed. Third time lucky maybe. She pursed her lips. Of course !! There could only be one other reason. It should of occurred to her sooner. It was obvious. She shifted over real close to his shoulder and laid a comforting hand on it. "So I guess Rachel wouldn't let you spank her ass then....."
Monica and Rachel both jumped as the apartment door opened suddenly with a resounding bang to reveal Ross standing there in his suit, shirt and tie looking as if he was about to grow horns. Monica got up from the kitchen table where she and Rachel were baking cookies. "Ross !! What's wrong ? Has something happened ?" she asked concerned. Rachel sat nervously behind her wondering how on earth Ross had got so angry. He looked really, really mad. For some reason she suspected it had something to do with her....and her bottom.
She was right.
Ross strode into the apartment, crossed over to where Rachel was sitting and to Monica's amazement, grabbed Rachel's hand and hauled her struggling out of her apartment shouting behind him "Stay out of this Monica, this is between Rachel and me !!"
Back at Ross's apartment - again.
Rachel sat fidgetting on his sofa as he walked back and forward in front of her. A sense of the "uh-oh's" had made her increasingly uncomfortable. "What is he doing ?!!" she gulped to herself. She'd never seen him in such a fury. He was usually mild mannered and placid in a poodle kind of way. Before, if he got steamed, it was just a storm in a tea cup. Not this time. This time he looked seriously pissed off about something. She had no doubt she was about to find out why.
"Ross, what's wrong ?" she asked, trying to break the silence as her gaze followed him back and forth. "Has something happened ?"
Ross stopped suddenly and stared down at her. His eyebrows met in the middle. "So you kept my secret huh ? Never told a soul huh ? Our sex life is just between you and me huh ?" he said as her eyes got wider and wider.
Rachel raised a hand to her lips. "Oh God......Phoebe ?!!"
Ross nodded with satisfaction as he took off his coat. "Phoebe."
Rachel struggled in Ross's grip as he pulled her up from where she sat and was now trying to manhandle her towards his chair. What was he doing ??!!! She reached up and grabbed a handful of his hair in desperation making him yelp out in pain. "ROSS !!" she whimpered. "LET - ME - GO !!!"
Ross grunted and gripped her wrist harder. This was going to be tougher than he thought. "OW. OW !! I'm warning you Rachel, you'd better let go or else. You won't be such a sanctimonious bitch by the time I'm finshed with you I can tell you. "How could you Ross....how could you tell everyone. It'll be all over Manhatten by now." he mimicked, reminding her of her earlier accusation. "You told Phoebe. PHOEBE OF ALL PEOPLE !! Jeez, I'm surprised we're not headline news on Mars by now knowing her !!" he muttered as Rachel gave another tug. Ow, that hurt. That did it. He was going to spank her ass if it was the last thing he did. With a big heave, he lifted a squealing Rachel off her feet, spun her around making her let go of his hair in surprise and dropped first into his seat followed by her who landed prefectly across his lap just as he had hoped and planned for. Immediately he held her down with his left forearm and braced his right leg over both hers to stop her fighting and kicking free. "Here goes...." he said determinedly.
Rachel gasped at the speed at which she found herself tilted down with her ass in the air and her nose nearly touching the carpet at the other end. "Ross !! Wait...WAIT !! Y..you can't...you just can't. I'm a grown woman. You can't !!" she squealed as she felt his free hand reaching under the skirt of her waitress uniform. He was trying to tug her panties down !!
"Can't what ?" Ross grimaced as he felt her tugging at the hairs on his legs.
Rachel went rigid as she felt his warm fingers slip under the elastic of her underwear. OH MY GOD, he was going to do it. He was really going to do it !! She felt her stomach doing sommersaults as if she was on an emotional rollercoaster. She also felt suddenly submissive in a totally unexpected way. A whole new experience for her. She was astounded that Ross was being so dominating. The thought made her go strangely weak at the knee's. But still........he was going to, "SPANK ME ROSS !!!" she shrieked. "YOU CAN'T SPANK ME !!!"
Ross paused, took a deep breath and made a decision. "Right here Rachel, right now, I can do anything I dammed well want. And right here, right now, you're going to get your big fat Greek ass spanked." he promised. Gripping her panties, he literally tore them off her peachy bottom.
Chandler climbed the last flight of stairs to find Monica crouching outside Ross's apartment with her ear to the door. Chandler crept up behind her. "Police !!" he whispered in her ear. "Spread 'em you're under arrest."
Monica jumped up and shrieked in fright. She turned to Chandler, thumped him on the arm and lifted a finger to her lips. "SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" she hissed. "Listen." she urged him as she pressed her ear back to the door again. Chandler stood beside her looking bemused.
"What are we listening for ?" he asked. "Woodworms having a party ?"
Monica thumped him again. "No silly. It's Ross and Rachel. Somethings wrong. Ross just burst into my apartment and dragged Rachel out to his. I had to find out what he was doing and and......." she tailed off trying to listen harder.
"And what ?" Chandler was intruiged.
Monica frowned. "Well, I know this sounds stupid. But I swear it sounds like Rachel is being...being..." she tailed off again. What was she thinking ? It WAS STUPID. Don't be so ridiculous Monica. There is no way Rachel would let Ross do that to her. Wouldn't she ?
"Being what ?" asked Chandler again. He felt like he was on twenty questions.
Monica turned and looked him in the eye. She was blushing. "Being spanked."
Chandler quickly pushed her aside and glued his ear to the door.
Rachel grunted again. Ross's spanks were getting harder. Her ass felt like she was sitting on top of the oven hob. It must be scarlet by now. She could hardly see her watch through her tears. Five minutes. Only five minutes ?!! It felt like he'd been spanking her bottom for ever !! He spanked her again.
"AH...Ross, that stung !!" she whimpered aloud. At first she hadn't wanted to show him how much it hurt. But her bravado had disappeared as the sting grew. So this was how a spanking felt huh? She was suprised. She thought she'd be freaking out by now and screaming blue bloody murder. But it hadn't turned out like that at all. Sure, after each of his spanks the pain bounced around her head and rattled her teeth but after a few seconds its bite had faded to leave a faint glow that hummed nicely around her buttocks. Oh my God.....she could get to quite like this. It was like a lightning bolt, a shocking realisation and sexual revelation. She was actually enjoying being spanked by her boyfriend. But, of course, she couldn't tell him that. For her to admit that he'd have to earn his corn.
"YEOW ROSS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she yelped as she imagined his hand rebounding away from both cheeks and no doubt leaving his handprint in its wake. She wondered what her ass looked like now. Was he spanking it hard enough to bruise ? She could feel the dampness between her thighs as she got more turned on. She was loosing her inhibitions fast. Another few of those and she would go off big time. There was no way she was going to have to fake it this time. She didn't have to. Then she had a wicked thought. Could she ? She grunted as another spank landed. A real hard one. She bucked and spun round to grab Ross and kissed him with unbridled passion.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHH..........spank me Obi-Wan Kenobi........SPANK ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Stunned and overjoyed, Ross threw her onto the floor and pulled out his pink lightsabre. Rachel's path to the dark side was complete.
Monica turned to Chandler and grabbed his hand to quietly lead them away from the sounds of lovemaking coming from inside between Ross and Rachel. On the stairs she stopped and shook her head. "I don't believe it. I just don't believe it. He spanked her Chandler." she wondered aloud. "And she let him !!!"
Chandler, idea's bouncing around in his head, just shrugged innocently. "Hey, nobody's perfect hon." he replied as he got that familiar look in his eyes. "Say Monica........." he began with a sly grin.
Monica saw it. "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT CHANDLER BING, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT !!"